AskMeImBipolar | Enter Sandman
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Enter Sandman

I didn’t take my quetiapine tablet the other night as I had to get up in the morning and I’d stayed up late in the night. Consequently, I only ended up having about 2 hours sleep, of which most of it I think I was dozing rather than actually sleeping. So with being awake for what must have been approximately 40 hours, when I took my tablet last night I was out for the count, so much so that I woke up at around 3:30 pm today. All of today I have had what I can only describe as a drug hangover, the kind that I used to get every single morning when I was on the 300mg (I am now on 150mg). I can’t decide if that’s the reason for my extremely mellow mood or if it’s drug related/bipolar related. I feel today like I want to hide away from the world, hibernate under my duvet and pretend that real life doesn’t exist, but I can’t because I have to go to work soon. I suppose I should be grateful really that I’m what you could call a ‘high-functioning’ person when it comes to the bipolar, that I will get up and go to work and do my best, but it doesn’t take away the feelings inside me. I feel anxious today and what I can only describe as emotionally weak. It pains me to say this as I pride myself on my independence but today I would love nothing more than to be under that duvet with someone hugging me so tightly that it compresses the emptiness and energy inside me, contains it within my body and that person can just tell me simply that everything is going to be ok. I know everything will be ok, I know that I will get through this little hiccup of a mood, but sometimes it’s just really helpful and nice to be told. It almost annoys me to write it because I have such a strong will to be able to deal with this on my own and not let it affect anyone else, a reason that motivates many of my decisions. Recently I’ve been thinking hard on two questions ‘what do I want’ and ‘how do I feel’. I’m lucky that I’ve managed to hone the ability over the years to suppress the things I feel, something which comes in handy when you feel everything so exaggerated and intensely all the time. Though I have to point out that this ability has its flaws and doesn’t always work,  saying that,  I really love the feelings I get when I experience something positive, or magical or overwhelmingly beautiful. I think I’m learning to identify how I feel a little better than I used to, I used to just completely ignore the question based on the premise that it doesn’t really matter how I feel because that doesn’t change anything in life. I’m starting to think it’s  little more healthy for me to spend a little time, identify what I feel, reflect on it a little and then discard it as best I can. It means that I get to know myself a little better I think. Today I feel emotionally weak and drained, I feel easily influenced and a little bit vulnerable because I haven’t got the emotional energy to keep my shields up to an optimal level. It’s kinda like in the sci-fi movies where the spaceship gets hit by a missile and then all the computer screens flicker with the power surge and then the energy goes down and the ship is left without some of its vital defences. I’m not in a bad mood, maybe a contemplative mood, I know if I let myself I will start going deeper and deeper into my own head, so it’s probably for the best that I have to go to work, it will distract me enough to keep me from the quicksand. The lesson of today… sleep is a very important part of maintaining good mental health, I am fortunate enough that I have enough control to be able to deal with lack of sleep and it’s consequences but this may not always be the case and I know for other people the effects are just too much, so sleep, sleep well, sleep for enough hours and if you can’t then seek a remedy because it’s vital to keeping yourself sane and on track :)

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