Face Everything and Rise
My hands are shaking from the adrenaline in my system but I grip the steering wheel with all my strength. I try to concentrate on the road, focus solely on what’s ahead of me, driving this fast in the dark. My mind is buzzing, a hive of thoughts speeding past each other, crashing into each other, I can’t focus. I spent most of today in bed, my energy levels were so low but I know that’s just a bit of burnout from working so much this week. The anxiety started with white noise, I sat on my bed and stared at the window, I wasn’t thinking anything in particular, just that static in my head, blocking out the thoughts. Then the nausea started as the blue energy ball in my gut grew and grew. I know I should have done something physical, exercised, but I was rooted to the bed. I spoke to people I care about, the white noise faded slightly, managed to get up and go out.
The blue energy is pulsating inside me, waves of fear and sickness crash through my body. My mind has gone from white noise to pure terror triple speed. All the questions; what if I fail, what if I can’t do it, what if they hate me, what if I’m not good enough, what if everything I think is good in my life right now isn’t really as I think it is. What if I’m making this up, what if I’m not ok, what if I screw everything up, what if everything I think is real is actually just me wishing it was, what if I fail, what if I fail, what if I fail. I can’t breathe, the fear has my throat in an iron grip and the more I try to breathe deeply the more my lungs feel constricted. My head is pounding so hard that my eyes hurt. I put music on to drown out the thoughts but they won’t go away. I want to cry but no tears come. I don’t know if crying will bring the release I want, my mind strays to other ways to get that feeling but I refuse to give in to those urges. I can feel my heart, beating so hard it’s painful, trying to escape my chest. My hands won’t stop shaking, why won’t they stop. This is ridiculous, I need to get a grip. What if I fail. The shadow has got me now, I’m his. His icy tendrils have snuck around my body while I panicked, now he squeezes tighter. That familiar feeling, I want to give myself over to it. I want to close my eyes, let go of this wheel and fall into that velvet abyss. I grip the wheel harder as I fight him, or myself, I’m not sure which is worse. He whispers into my ear, so silky smooth, so cold, he tells me all the reasons why everything I think I know is wrong. How I am better off alone, how I won’t succeed, how selfish I am for wanting to bring other people into this chaos. He is right, as always. He laughs at me when I tell him that I just want to be ok, just want to be happy. I am trembling, entangled in his frozen embrace. I can’t breathe, I’m drowning in the ice. My body has all but given up, my mind is whizzing so fast that I feel like I’m about to get motion sickness but I hold on to that wheel so tight. Not much further now.
I parked the car and almost fell out, stumbled to my door. I spent so much time fiddling with my keys, it felt like an eternity but I kept telling myself, just get inside, just get inside and you can break. Don’t ever break beyond those walls, don’t ever break where people can see you, just get inside and you will be ok. I opened the door and the second I got inside I crumpled to the floor. My breathing so fast my head felt like someone filled it with helium. Instantly I felt the fear of being discovered as weak fade away. I sat there for what seemed like hours until I had the strength to drag my heavy body to my bed. I lay there, in the darkness, unable to sleep, unable to close my eyes, concentrating on slowing my breathing, my brain back to the white noise as a small tear pooled at the side of my right eye. I made it home. Tomorrow I start a new job, I have to wear the mask of a person who is confident, who is competent and who is not broken. A person who functions properly and doesn’t allow warm salty liquid to betray her. I pray that my meds knock me out soon so I can sleep. Face everything and Rise.