Harbinger of Death
“You are the harbinger of death Kara Thrace, you will lead them to their end. End of line.”
They say everybody has the devil inside them, that chaotic, destructive force that fights to take control over the purity of your soul. Most people will never know the magnetic pull of it, they won’t ever notice, it will stay dormant within them and they will live their lives fully and positively. Then there are those of us who live in constant battle with the demons, every waking breath a struggle of epic proportions to keep control, keep afloat. Each day is a new battle of the war that will last a lifetime, only death will bring peace and death does not come easily. For these people, like me, a black toxicity runs within their veins, a pulsing poison that reaches into every corner of the body with each laboured heartbeat. An ironic paradox of darkness that fills everything but the vast emptiness in my core, it ebbs and flows with each beat, each breath. It seems to me that I am the harbinger of death, of change, the frightening force, the misunderstood tarot card. I can bring pain and I can bring pleasure, often intertwined into a bittersweet destruction of your soul. I make you question, I make you unsure, I make you hurt. This talent I have, to completely destroy what you think is reality and leave you broken, praying for mercy, this is a curse I did not ask for. Without pain there can not be growth and I walk through life, trying my hardest to create only positive things, to help people, to look after those I care about but in my wake is only destruction and agony. I am told it can be seen as a good thing, I am the person who will break you and give you the tools to build yourself up stronger, better and then allow you to leave me behind without another thought. I walk this path alone, sometimes I think if I just stay away from people I will not hurt them by accident, but this is hard. I try to keep an iron will and a heart of stone but sometimes I fail. In my innocence I truly believe I can control my devastating fate, that I can be something I am not, that I can connect with a person without sooner or later causing them unspeakable pain or heartache. I do not go into this with the intention of causing harm but 30 years later I have not managed to successfully interact with someone without my demons taking over. I am poison, a hollow shell of a person filled with darkness but forever empty. I dream of my salvation every night but I realise this is just fantasy. As a child I dreamed of a saviour, someone who will come and ease the constant ache in my core, someone who will teach me to be good, who will take the darkness and replace it will something, anything, make me whole again. As an adult I am acutely aware of my childish wants, this is not reality, reality is that I walk through this life achieving what I can and accepting that every victory is lost in the abyss within me. All I can do is keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other and praying with every waking moment that I do not cause any more destruction than I already have. The toxicity inside me burns, it reminds me every day that of the pain that I have caused, perhaps it is the universe’s way of balancing the scales. I don’t think there is a person alive robust enough to withstand my demons, it takes all my energy to fight them and to keep a stony face. I do not want anyone to know about what happens on the inside of me, I couldn’t bare the hatred, the loathing and the disappointment. Sometimes I lie awake at night and I wonder how much longer I have to endure the crippling emptiness, is it infinite? All I can do I continue, trying as hard as I can to be a better person, I will take this pain, the anguish and this emptiness and I will keep moving, trying not to show it and trying not to let others experience it. Even if I don’t achieve my goals, at least I tried, I kept going, I won’t give in to him, no matter how much the searing razor tendrils of his icy form rip my flesh to shreds as I forge my way forwards. The devil, the shadow that haunts me, he is my only companion on this journey.