Moment of Weakness
Everybody has moments of weakness, I’ve been analysing mine and I get overwhelmed when too much is going on mostly but I’ve also noticed something else. There are times when I am happy, when I actually manage to quiet the voice in my head even if its just for a short while, in these times I am fully present and everything is great. These moments are rare and I absolute value them but the problem is, a short while after that situation ends my brain becomes weak, like its forgotten there is a war, forgotten it has to fight. It has put down its sword and untied its armour to enjoy the moment and is not able to get back in the fight fast enough. This weakness allows what I call ‘the shadow’ to push back, to seize the moment, to become bigger, louder.
Sometimes he gets to me, his constant whispering in my ear, telling me all the reasons why I will fail, why I’m not good enough, why I will never get where I want to be. I’m used to his acid tongue, his voice is white noise in the background that never goes away but every so often the words become clear and start to reverberate around my head. He is so sure that I am worthless, that I should stop trying, that I should give up on life now, make it easier for myself. He points out the things I cannot do, the goals I cannot achieve. He mocks me ‘never was and never will be’, he taunts me, his icy breath chilling my neck.
I’m an extremely strong person, I know he lies to me but the problem is that sometimes he makes perfect logical sense. He highlights the fact that I am not like everybody else, that I will never have what other people have, I will never be able to function the way they do and nobody will ever be able to see inside my head, nobody will able to understand all the overwhelming emotions that rock my consciousness. He is right when he tells me that I will spend the rest of my life fighting my secret battle alone and as soon as I realise that his logic is actually sound, then the despair floods my body. The more I think about it, the less I understand and the more I question what is the point of my existence, why do I have to endure this pain, why can’t it end, why me, am I strong enough, will I give in, why is giving in such a bad idea?
The thoughts are momentary but they scare me. My will is strong, I have no desire to die, I have too much to do, but the idea of not feeling this black ache inside me is somewhat appealing. My mind toys with the concept until I scold it and tell it to get a grip. This is a moment of weakness, I can’t handle the pain but only for a few minutes, tears edge their way out of my eyes. It’s ok though, nobody can see me, nobody can hear me scream, only the shadow will listen to my pleas for salvation. With that, he looks me directly in the eye and then erupt with cold laughter. ‘You mean nothing’ he tells me, ‘you have no purpose, no worth, no reason to keep this up. Nobody can help you’. I can’t remember if he was right or not anymore, did he make sense? I can’t think. He will fade away soon.
I sit here staring at the window and willing myself to sleep, maybe tomorrow I will forget and his voice will be background noise again. I am so tired from this battle, tired from fighting against my own brain. I’m exhausted from the effort of keeping it together but this is my cross to bear and I will hide it for as long as I breathe. Nobody can know that inside my head the storm clouds never leave, it’s always raining here. I am strong, I will keep going, maybe I’m just stubborn but I refuse to play the victim to his deceit. I have endured so much I will not throw it away any time soon, I will endure this perpetual empty ache that never goes away for long. Sometimes peoples will never know how strong you are because they don’t see the battles you fight every waking moment, but that’s ok.