AskMeImBipolar | Today I Asked For Help
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Today I Asked For Help

Today I asked for help. I haven’t felt this weak and drained in such a long time; it was so intense that I was lost in my mind for hours. I thought a long walk would tire me out, rest my hyperactive brain and allow me to calm the tornado inside my head. I suppose it worked in a way, I am calmer, and sad. As I lie here staring up at the shimmering blue sky above me contrasted only by the clean white clouds, I ask for strength. I’ve been lay here for a long time now, staring at that beautiful sapphire sky, hoping that something magical would come from above and cleanse me, or at least give me a modicum of respite from this agony. In the distance I saw the sun shining through the clouds, its golden tendrils reaching majestically down to earth, it looked so inviting, so warm, but then I realised how far away I am and suddenly my hope disintegrated only to be replaced by a bitter disappointment. I wanted those fiery fingers to come down and bathe me, to heat my insides and melt the ice away. I wanted to be chosen for salvation but today was not the day, the same as every day before it. I watched painfully as the sky chose another place to bless and the emptiness within me throbbed harder and harder following the tempo of the beat of my heart. Today I asked for help, I asked for strength and for courage. I can feel my will slowly draining away; I can feel the tears behind my eyes and the numbness setting into my limbs. I just need to get through this barrier and I will be in control again. Until then I will keep moving forward, always forward, never stop. Please give me the strength and the courage, I know this is my cross, and mine alone to bear, I don’t expect rescue, but I rarely ask for help. I can do this.

1 Comment
  • Morris Miller

    Sorry, I always ask for help. I didn’t ask for bi-polar and the illness will never be named after me. But on my good days I feel like what Lou Gerig he said. ” I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth.” I do not want the mind numbing lows and one has to watch out for the dangerous highs. but bi-polar has given me above average empathy. Also I was lucky enough to finish college and G-d gave me a very good intellect and I can support myself.

    I rely on my support group for help even if I acknowledge the help or not and I am a G-d fearing man though I do not push that onto others. When we are tired and beat it is going to seem impossible to get better. It takes a great deal of inner strength not to give up and be overwhelmed. On the good days you should plan for the bad days work with your support system on how to combat the carnage of an uncertain future.

    27th November 2017 Reply

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