I feel sick, the world is vibrating around me, or maybe it’s my head vibrating, but it’s so hard it feels like it’s going to split my skull in two and my brain is going to pour out onto the floor. I hate to make a mess. It’s like someone hit a gigantic tuning fork and I can see the vibrations in black and white waves crashing against me. I feel nauseous, a little bit dizzy and I can’t seem to get my breath. It feels like a panic attack, but I don’t think that is what it is. I’m so tired, exhausted in fact. I want to curl up into a ball and make this feeling in my body and my head go away. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s like a constant uncomfortable feeling, like an anxious impending doom feeling. I look at the TV and all I see is a stream of colours melting together, the noise doesn’t make sense to my ears. I feel like I need to run as fast as I can, stretch out all my muscles but I’m so exhausted I keep yawning. I can’t look around me because it makes the sickly feeling worse. Every muscle is my body is vibrating, aching, begging to be stretched and the anxiety in my stomach is overwhelming. I feel like I want to cry, but there is no reason to cry, only the exhaustion from fighting this. I know it won’t last, it’s only a temporary physical thing, it’s just what happens to me under stress and I think reducing my meds a few days ago has triggered the feeling. I’ve felt this before so I know it will go away in a day or two and I will be totally fine again. I just need to be able to catch my breath and remember this won’t last. My head feels heavy and my body feels like it’s shaking from the vibrations. I have to admit it does give rise to fear inside me, but that’s just the anxiety, I know I’ll be totally fine soon. My shoulders feel sore from what I think is me holding the muscles tense. I can’t really tell. All I wanna do is curl up into a ball and lie here with my eyes closed until it stops. The blue energy is coursing through my veins, it feels electric inside me and along with the sickness it kinda reminds me of being in a panic attack but at the same time being really drunk to the point you feel sick and the rooms spins. Just for the record, I have had no alcohol and I will not have any alcohol for the next few days until this is settled. I’m going to be absolutely honest here and admit that being on my own right now is making me a little bit afraid, but I know nothing bad is going to happen.This is one of those moments, the double edged sword, I don’t want anyone to see me when I don’t have control but being alone scares me. It’s just all the anxiety rushing inside me, I can’t seem to get control of the fear, but don’t worry, I will get control, I always do. This is temporary, I just need to keep breathing and it will pass. This is not my first rodeo.
It’s been just over 5 months now that I would say I’ve been experiencing hypomania. This last Sunday was the first day that I felt myself again and I have continued to feel myself this week (minus this little hiccup tonight). I don’t dare to suggest the episode is over but I’m definitely hoping that is the case. This anxious, sickly feeling I have right now is not from hypomania, this is my body adjusting to the med dose. I’ve been here before. I had a doctors appointment on Monday and they reduced my quetiapine from 150mg to 100mg, I’m on a slow process between now and August 2016 to get me off the meds in between episodes, which I welcome, I really don’t want to take medication if I can help it. I understand that it is necessary during the episodes, it helps me a lot, but in between I’d like to be able to live med-free. I’ve felt a bit strange all day today, a bit uneasy but not bad until the last couple of hours. I’ve managed to hold it together this evening but now I’m home I’m not fighting it anymore, its exhausting, even though I slept really well last night and I’ve eaten well today.
This week I’ve felt calm, more collected and able to function. I’ve cleaned my flat, thrown away bags of rubbish and unused items, I’ve done 90% of my work to-do list and my thoughts seemed to have slowed down to a pace where I can actually distinguish them from each other. It’s hard to say what is different or why particularly on Sunday I felt a change back to normality, but in general, I really do feel ok. Of course I’m worried that this is some kind of false sense of calm or that maybe I’ve gone into a disassociated space, but I don’t think that I have. I can never be sure though, that’s the thing about living with bipolar, I can’t trust my own mind not to betray me. I’m just going with it at the moment and the peace in my head has lasted for 4 day so far, so maybe, fingers crossed, I have finally exited hypomania!
All day I have felt uneasy, anxious and it’s really hard sometimes not to attribute these feelings to external sources. I know I feel odd so my brain wants to associate that with something that has happened or an experience I’ve recently had even if that’s not the case. I’ve learned over the years it’s much easier for me and my sense of peace if I just confront these associations by, for example, if my brain attributes it to a person, just asking the person if I have a reason to be anxious or if it’s just me. It always makes me feel a little ridiculous when I have to ask people, maybe embarrassed slightly that my brain does these things and I have no control over it, but, in the long run, it saves a lot of stress. The key to handling med changes is having super self-awareness and not being afraid to ask for help, in my humble opinion. There is nothing in my life at the moment that I feel is out of control, there are some things that I have no control over but that is something I have to accept rather than fight. These harsh vibrations will stop soon and I will sleep, tomorrow will be a new day and even if it takes me a week or so to feel myself again, I know this is temporary, I can get through this horrible feeling, I always do.