What is this ‘Happy Medium’?
One of the things that people often associate with bipolar is the extreme nature of our feelings and experiences. The highs that reach the sun and the lows that take us to the depths of hell are a major part of it, but for me personally I have to question how much of this is the bipolar and how much is just the nature of me as a human being, as a person. I have always been a person that has been described by others as ‘always going from one extreme or another’ and I’ve been told countless times that I need to ‘find the happy medium’ in all areas of life. For me, the beauty of a sunset on a mountain can reduce me to tears of awe, equally the pain of betrayal or disappointment can make me lose all faith in humanity, like my existence is futile and my body literally hurts. There are some things that I have had to accept; I will never get what I truly want because what I want doesn’t exist in reality and I can’t trust my own judgement because I don’t know if it’s real or if it’s the bipolar. I sit here today and I feel almost numb inside, I am drained of energy and I feel close to tears but there is no logical reason for this. I am frustrated because even though in my life right now I have nothing to complain about, people I care about around me are hurting and there is nothing I can do to fix it and in some cases I have either created or added to their pain. I know in some cases that I have had to make really hard decisions that have affected those close to me and though I know I made the right decision, I have no regrets, I do wish there was some way for me to take away the pain that I have caused. Causing pain to those I care about literally makes me feel sick and unfortunately because of the way my mind and moods are, it happens.
I often think about the situations of those I care about and I feel completely powerless, not just the usual powerless to regulate my own life but this is a whole new level of powerless. It makes me question what good am I as a person if I can’t do anything at all to help the people I care the most about? What’s the point in me? I just want to take the pain away for them because I live my life feeling this horrible empty ache every single minute and I don’t want anyone else to experience anything close to what I have to live with. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I feel suspended in a state of uncertainty, I feel useless and helpless, something which I am not used to feeling when it comes to other people. The fact people I care about experience emotional pain makes me sad. I have no power to change the lives of others, no power to change the way they feel and it makes me feel absolutely redundant. I have tried, I have run out of ideas and now watching them hurt is killing me inside. This is what I mean when I say that I feel things in the extreme, I don’t just see them hurting, I can feel the hurt and the pain and it burns inside me. It becomes all I can think about, all I can feel. I don’t consider myself to be an empath, I’ve never been able to feel what other people feel before but this is horrific and I have a much greater respect for empaths out there. How do you deal with this? I have no energy at all and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry, partly because of the pain and partly because I feel so useless. This feeling is different to the usual hollow ache I have inside me, the frozen numbness in my core that pulses with waves of empty agony. I feel like I have a figurative lump in my chest, in my throat and my head aches a little. I don’t understand why this has affected me so much, it’s not a normal thing for me. I almost welcome the numbness to come back, to freeze my insides again and take this new pain away.
Talking of the extremeness of my nature, I have been thinking a lot about myself and what I want, my unrealistic wants. I left my last relationship because I had started treating them badly, I wasn’t attentive, I was barely contactable and that must have been horrible. I had gone from being fully devoted to not visibly caring, not because I didn’t care, but because I was too busy dealing with myself and the inside of my mind. I just didn’t have the time or energy to dedicate to someone else and now I wonder if I will ever be able to sustain a real relationship, I can barely stand myself or cope with myself, how can I expect someone else to have to deal with this, especially when they can’t see or feel it. I have come to terms with the fact that I may spend the rest of my life trying to save myself because there will be no magical person who will come and save my soul, I just have to survive. Up until this year, I think I always held that stupid fantasy that there will be a person that will come along, look at me and not only see what happens behind my eyes but accept it and see beyond what I show the world. I want there to be another human being out there that can literally breathe life into me, melt the ice and embrace the extremes. In this fantasy, I don’t want reality, I want to be the centre of the earth, the priority and the reason for existence. Not only do I want to be that, I want someone to be that to me. It’s a complete extreme, I understand this, to literally want to another human being to be your life’s breath, but I am me and I will not accept anything short of this even though I realise it’s impossible and probably not very healthy, so I’m technically doomed in this area. I don’t think now, after all my experiences, I will accept anything less, I don’t see the point. If I’m ever going to go down that path again, it will be that extreme, because that’s just the way I am and I accept that it means that the probability of me ever meeting someone who ticks all the boxes is practically zero, but that’s ok. At least I’ve learned not to settle for anything less than what I want and I don’t believe that a person resilient enough to my extreme nature which includes the terrifying highs and the soul-destroying lows exists in this world, so with that clarity I can concentrate on my career and saving my own life.