The white noise started in my mind a few weeks ago, it was a small thing that I barely noticed, like the buzzing of a distant bee. I ignored it. As the weeks went on it became louder and louder, like a broken television, then even louder like it was being played over a speaker system. Now not only is it drowning out every other sound and thought, it’s vibrating and leaking from my mind into my body, making me so tired I feel physically sick. It’s so distracting that it’s all I can think about, all I can hear day and night, but that means I’m technically not thinking about anything at all because it’s only white noise. I’m functioning, just about: I’ve been to work today and because I enjoy my job, while I was teaching the white noise became a hum in the background of my head. Now the day is over the volume seems to be increasing again and taking over my everything, I’m exhausted. I can explain the white noise, it’s like an emotional distortion that happens when I think too much or there are too many feelings inside me that merge and fluctuate until they don’t really make any sense and I can’t work out where one ends or another starts. I can’t always work out what the emotions or feelings are, it all becomes a conjoined mess getting louder and louder inside my skull, the vibrations dissipating into my bones.
After my recent hypomanic episode I’ve made a point of actively clearing my head and concentrating on getting myself better. I thought I had mastered it, conquered the bipolar for this round but I realise now that the white noise came when I stopped putting in maximum effort. I stopped concentrating on attaining clarity and making an effort to keep the white noise at bay so now it has crept back with a vengeance. Luckily, this isn’t my first rodeo so I know what I need to do to get rid of this all-consuming nuisance, quite simply I need to focus on myself again; go to the gym and get my chemicals back in a positive balance, eat better, take my vitamins and mineral supplements, get more sleep and make sure my bedtime is routine. I know what I need to do and my concentration on myself starts again now.
I feel like I need to keep myself to myself until this has passed so that I don’t accidentally pass it on to those around me via my behaviour. I need to take some time out from everything that isn’t necessary right now, to chill and remember how to think clearly, focus and use all my inner strength to fight this invasion of my mind that’s preventing me from functioning properly. I need to cut out of my life the things that are adding to the confusion and focus on the absolute truths, the things I know will heal me; exercise, diet, work, reading, writing, my support network. I can get control of this, I’ve done it before, I recognise it and now I need to take steps to get where I need to be. I feel positive about the fact that I can overcome this, that I won’t let it take over and stop me from functioning as I need to. It may be a challenge but as far as my mental health is concerned this one of the more manageable challenges I face, and I will prevail. I always do.