AskMeImBipolar – #AskMeImBipolar – Living with Bipolar, Q&A, Mental Health, VLOGs

AskMeImBipolar | #AskMeImBipolar - Living with Bipolar, Q&A, Mental Health, VLOGs

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#AskMeImBiPolar

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Latest Blogs

- 3 Things To Remember When You Love Someone With A Mental Health Issue
  20th November 2017Latest PostsIf there’s one question that I get asked again and again on my website, it’s ‘do you have any advice for the loved ones of people living with mental health issues’? Love is hard at the best of times but when you throw in a teaspoon of depression with a pinch of anxiety and a ladle of mania, maintaining a relationship can seem simply impossible. If I had any advice for someone in a relationship with a bipolar/depression/anxious person, it would be this: 1. Accept them for who they are. This means all the really annoying things that drive you crazy, like when they correct your grammar, restructure your sentence, rearrange everything in the house and interrupt you speaking after every other sentence with a random tangent. If you love someone with a mental health problem and you want to be with them, then you need to accept their idiosyncrasies and compulsions. That includes household tasks, like when they decide to clean everything right that second or clean nothing for days because they just can’t. You may have to accept that time management will go out the window because sometimes, they can’t get up. Don’t forget the times when they take hours to get ready because they’ve had to lie down and rest a few times in a depression or they’ve pulled every item of clothing out of the wardrobes because their mania has made them try every single thing on at least five times. I had an argument with my partner recently because she was upset that I never spent time with her friends even though she spends time with mine. On the surface, she was right, I have met her friends once or twice, mine come over every week for a board games night. Once she had calmed down I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to see her friends or spend time with the people important in her life, it was just that I was severely restricted. They always meet in the evening, usually on a Friday and they go out into the town and have a few drinks. I work on a Saturday day time which means I have to take my medication (quetiapine) at around 9:30pm latest as the major side-effect of this drug is sedation: Once I take them, I have about 30mins before I’m out like a light. So my question to her was HOW would I be able to hang out with her and her friends when they meet at a time of night that is impossible for me due to my meds to drink alcohol that I can’t drink and somehow manage to go to work the next day? I’m not saying I never go out and have a drink, but I have to plan well in advance and possibly take two days off work to compensate. I do this less than 5 times a year. I wish I had the freedom to just say yes to a night out on the town! 2. Give them space when they need it. Mental health is a funny thing. Sometimes you crave company and need people, other times you can think of nothing worse than having to interact with another human being. It’s even harder if you’re the person in love with someone who lives with a mental health problem, especially in a depressive episode. Their lack of energy and attention can feel like they don’t want you around, they don’t like you anymore or even they don’t find you attractive anymore. This is rarely true. I love my partner and I think she is absolutely stunning but sometimes, I just need to be alone. I find that often I run out of energy because I’m at work interacting with people all day, then I come home and things are expected of me; conversations, hugs, touches, pots need washing, clothes need washing, even sex etc. These things all take energy that I just don’t have sometimes, especially if I’ve not had alone time to recharge. It might seem like your loved one has gone off you or in some cases you’ll notice they have become really irrationally angry and irritated. The truth of the matter might be, they just need some alone time. By alone time, I mean time with no expectations, no ‘can you just’, no household tasks and no interactions at all with other humans. That can be really challenging as you might think you’re helping by offering them a drink every hour when in fact that can still be part of the problem. I find this the hardest, I love my partner but sometimes I just need to be left alone. I want to play a video game and put my headphones on and just exist as the only person in my universe where time doesn’t move. For them it might be watching TV, doing an activity or even just napping. If you are in a relationship with someone who lives with mental health, ask yourself this ‘how often to do truly give them alone time’. In my experience, the less alone time I get, the more angry I become about silly things and that always leads to further negative interactions with my partner. Sometimes just leaving me alone in the house on my own, or even just alone in my room for the evening can make all the difference: I’m talking a good 5 hours here or more for me, but everyone is different. 3. Respect each others needs. This sounds like a really simple idea, right? Respect is the fundamental key to every relationship but you’d be surprised how easily it gets forgotten. Two individual people can need very different things even if they are happy together. For example, as mentioned above, I need my time alone, I thrive on being home alone or partaking in activities where I can just put my headphones in and not speak to anyone. My partner however is a very social person with a high need for human interaction. In the same way that I wouldn’t try to force her to spend hours alone or complain if she was going to see friends, I’d expect her not to try to force me to socialise when I don’t want to. Aside from that there are plenty of ways you can respect your partners needs. Think about the things that bother them and try to avoid things that you know trigger them. Arrange your home in a way that doesn’t trigger their compulsions. If you need to, sit down with them and make a list of the things that are the most important to both of you and work out what compromise can be made, but just remember, for them their reaction to a trigger it isn’t a choice. Once you have accepted that, it makes a huge difference. I’ve seen it many times where somebody in a relationship with a person who lives with mental health issues get’s frustrated and angry. They start to try and emotionally guilt tripping their partner into doing things that they know would trigger them and would make them uncomfortable if not worse. You might feel like it isn’t fair, that you never get to do things your way and that your needs aren’t even considered because they are eclipsed by your partners mental health. Honestly, if you make a choice to be with this person, you need to prepare for that. Their needs will be greater than yours most of the time. You might feel restricted that you can’t bring your friends over, you can’t arrange the house like you want to. Ask yourself this, are they worth it? Have you thought about how their whole life is restricted by their mind and their body fighting against them, how their medication restricts them. How every day they have to plan everything meticulously and avoid things just to maintain a life where the pain is bearable? I really wish I could be more accommodating, especially when it comes to my partner, but the truth is that I really can’t help how I feel. Remember, we didn’t choose this life with mental illness. We never had an option to live a ‘normal’ life. Some of us have no idea what your version of ‘normal’ is because we’ve never experienced it. We know life with us can be very challenging but if you choose to be with us, you have to accept the limitations....
- 3 Things That Help When You Become A No-Touch Zone
  11th September 2017Latest PostsI finally became aware that I was entering into a depressive episode a few weeks ago. Thing’s change so slowly that it’s extremely difficult to pick up on unless you know exactly what you’re looking for. It started with my energy levels getting lower and lower, small tasks began to appear like herculean events. I stopped doing the little things like washing the pots right after dinner and leaving them to the next day. Not putting my clothes away after they had been washed and letting the clean washing pile up in the corner of my bedroom. The physical aspect of depression hits me hard at first before the mental side kicks in. This last week I’ve been so tired, it’s as if I’ve hardly slept at all when I’ve definitely had at least 7-8 hours sleep a night; the quetiapine makes sure that I’m out like a light. All through the day I’ve been falling asleep, napping and yawning. It’s extremely frustrating when there are so many things I know I should be doing but my body is so heavy and sleepy that it takes all my energy just to walk and talk. The chronic fatigue is probably the most vexing thing to me, I’m generally a very active person. I love climbing, snowboarding, going to the gym, hiking and a plethora of other activities, in fact I’d call myself a bit of an adrenaline junkie. The worst part is that I’m completely self aware and this constant feeling of being drained of energy is making me even more irritable and lowers my mood because I know exactly what’s coming next and I’m totally helpless to stop it. The other thing that is glaringly obvious to me is that my tolerance for human contact has all but disappeared. I call it tolerance because I’m not a naturally tactile person but with a partner or close family I do like the occasional hug or cuddle. Ok, I admit it, I like hugs. However, in the last few weeks and especially in the last few days I’ve become not only distant with my mood due to the low energy but the idea of being touched by another human is making me literally cringe. My peripersonal space (or DPPS) has doubled and anyone even walking near me sets off alarms in my head which my body reacts to. When a co-worker touches my shoulder to get my attention my whole body tightens in what I can only describe as a kind of disgust. I get a wave of this uncomfortable weird feeling crashing over me that’s so hard to describe that the only thing I can say is picture the most yucky thing you can imagine and then picture someone dumping a bucket filled with that over your head. It makes me recoil so much that my body physically reacts, my muscles tighten as if ready for sudden devastating impact. Now for me this isn’t pleasant but then to imagine what this is like for a partner would be horrible. It must seem like all of a sudden I don’t want to be anywhere near them, like they disgust me and the mere idea of them touching me makes me want to run away as fast as I can. While this is partially true on the physical side and a few quick loving kisses can create fear in my head like Jon Snow getting attacked by Orell’s eagle, I can tell you that mentally I don’t love any less than I did before and I certainly don’t lust any less. I still look at them and fully appreciate the aesthetic beauty that I’m in the presence of. I still feel love and want to be around them, but perhaps just not be in physical contact all the time. For aloof people this should be pretty straight forward but if you’re with somebody who qualifies their love with touch, this can be the biggest barrier to surviving the episode together. My sudden hated of human contact, whilst having nothing to do with them personally, can seem like I have suddenly gone off them, no longer find them attractive and even not love them. How do you tell someone who is experiencing a person they love recoiling at their touch that everything is ok, it’s just the bipolar. Have you ever heard of the term ‘Skin Hunger’? Hugging someone you love produces a powerful neurotransmitter called Oxytocin that can be really addictive, in a good way. It becomes so addictive that when you are deprived of it, you crave it. It being human contact in this case. There have been many studies done that show how necessary touch is to good mental health and wellbeing but how does this work in an episode? Have a look at my blog ‘A Love Bipolar’ from valentines day last year to know more about the effects of oxytocin. So here’s the problem, humans need contact and your partner will be used to a certain level of contact that you’ve been happy to give them in the past; the past being a time you weren’t in an episode. By me suddenly hating human contact, it means that chemically the person I’m with suddenly loses all the Oxytocin triggers they once had which of course produces a withdrawal that makes the rejection feel more acute than you can imagine. So what can we do to continue as a couple if almost every time they initiate contact with me I feel violated. This is made worse if the person you are with is a naturally tactile person and even more so if they are someone that displays their affection and love through touch. Some people only feel truly connected and secure with their partner that way and by not allowing them to touch me I’m sending a signal that they interpret as ‘I don’t love you and I’m not comfortable with you’ which will make the most robust person feel insecure. But of course, this isn’t the case. I’ve thought about this long and hard, it’s a current problem for me and will only get worse as this episode takes hold. I’ve read as much as I can online but there doesn’t seem to be much content out there with advice on this matter so here are 3 things you can do if you find yourself in this situation. So far, they are working for me. Create A Code Word Come up with a word that means ‘leave me alone please’. Something that you don’t say in every day life but you can use as an indicator that you need some space. Sometimes I just need an hour or two by myself, wrapped in a blanket watching Gotham, it helps me remember to breathe. By making a specific code word with your partner, they can then associate the word with your episode and not have to wonder if you’re just getting sick of them being around. Don’t abuse it though, it’s an ‘in case of emergency’ word for when you really need that alone time. Be The One To Initiate Contact If you feel like me then sometimes you get to a point where you just don’t want to be touched and you can’t control your physical recoil or feeling of deep discomfort when people invade your space. What I have found though is when the contact is on my terms, then it’s not so bad. Communicate with your partner and tell them that you need to take the lead when it comes to touching, even the simple things like resting your hand on their leg or shoulder. Try the small stuff first but do it on your terms in your time. The fact you are trying can help to ease your partners fears that you just don’t like them anymore. Spend Quality Time Together So you’re hating contact right now and you’ve communicated that to your partner. If they respect you and you love them then it doesn’t mean you can’t still spend quality time together. Play a board game or a video game, read to each other, go on a bike ride if you have the energy, but do something together that focuses your attention on each other. Without touch in the equation they may be feeling rejected and low. Combined with the fact you already feel low and fatigued, maybe just spending some time doing something very simple, fun and low energy will keep you connected. Perhaps you can make it part of your daily routine since routine becomes crucial to functioning when you’re heading into an episode. People display love in different ways. Some people like to hear ‘I love you’ all the time, others prefer thoughtful gifts. Some people feel the most secure and loved by physical contact. When you take that away there is a void, the bigger the void grows the further apart you become until one day, perhaps, there is no bridging the gap. Speak to your partner and tell them exactly how you feel, refer them to this article if it helps. Communication is always key especially when mental health is involved. It’s very hard for those around us to understand what it’s like to be in an episode and it’s even harder for those who love us to watch us supposedly reject them, push them away and withdraw further and further into a dark world. ...

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