AskMeImBipolar | Harbinger of Death
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Harbinger of Death

“You are the harbinger of death Kara Thrace, you will lead them to their end. End of line.”

They say everybody has the devil inside them, that chaotic, destructive force that fights to take control over the purity of your soul. Most people will never know the magnetic pull of it, they won’t ever notice, it will stay dormant within them and they will live their lives fully and positively. Then there are those of us who live in constant battle with the demons, every waking breath a struggle of epic proportions to keep control, keep afloat. Each day is a new battle of the war that will last a lifetime, only death will bring peace and death does not come easily. For these people, like me, a black toxicity runs within their veins, a pulsing poison that reaches into every corner of the body with each laboured heartbeat. An ironic paradox of darkness that fills everything but the vast emptiness in my core, it ebbs and flows with each beat, each breath. It seems to me that I am the harbinger of death, of change, the frightening force, the misunderstood tarot card. I can bring pain and I can bring pleasure, often intertwined into a bittersweet destruction of your soul. I make you question, I make you unsure, I make you hurt. This talent I have, to completely destroy what you think is reality and leave you broken, praying for mercy, this is a curse I did not ask for. Without pain there can not be growth and I walk through life, trying my hardest to create only positive things, to help people, to look after those I care about but in my wake is only destruction and agony. I am told it can be seen as a good thing, I am the person who will break you and give you the tools to build yourself up stronger, better and then allow you to leave me behind without another thought. I walk this path alone, sometimes I think if I just stay away from people I will not hurt them by accident, but this is hard. I try to keep an iron will and a heart of stone but sometimes I fail. In my innocence I truly believe I can control my devastating fate, that I can be something I am not, that I can connect with a person without sooner or later causing them unspeakable pain or heartache. I do not go into this with the intention of causing harm but 30 years later I have not managed to successfully interact with someone without my demons taking over. I am poison, a hollow shell of a person filled with darkness but forever empty. I dream of my salvation every night but I realise this is just fantasy. As a child I dreamed of a saviour, someone who will come and ease the constant ache in my core, someone who will teach me to be good, who will take the darkness and replace it will something, anything, make me whole again. As an adult I am acutely aware of my childish wants, this is not reality, reality is that I walk through this life achieving what I can and accepting that every victory is lost in the abyss within me. All I can do is keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other and praying with every waking moment that I do not cause any more destruction than I already have. The toxicity inside me burns, it reminds me every day that of the pain that I have caused, perhaps it is the universe’s way of balancing the scales. I don’t think there is a person alive robust enough to withstand my demons, it takes all my energy to fight them and to keep a stony face. I do not want anyone to know about what happens on the inside of me, I couldn’t bare the hatred, the loathing and the disappointment. Sometimes I lie awake at night and I wonder how much longer I have to endure the crippling emptiness, is it infinite? All I can do I continue, trying as hard as I can to be a better person, I will take this pain, the anguish and this emptiness and I will keep moving, trying not to show it and trying not to let others experience it. Even if I don’t achieve my goals, at least I tried, I kept going, I won’t give in to him, no matter how much the searing razor tendrils of his icy form rip my flesh to shreds as I forge my way forwards. The devil, the shadow that haunts me, he is my only companion on this journey.

  • famous blogger if you aren’t already Cheers!

    11th August 2016
  • Peter Dawes

    Hi I pop my head above the parapit of paranoia and await its imminent destruction. It’s a clear shot and the brains explode across the vast empty landscape but wait and behold as it magically transforms itself back together. No matter how direct the shot or how precise it will always realine. Sublime is nature crafty and resilient. Again and again it returns burning and yearning for life and love. A thousand yard stare beyond all care the atomic whirl pool will always repair…. (I use the reincarnation theory here to describe my bipolar mind tantrums. If it doesn’t work the first time try again in the next life. E C T, thousands of pills, alcohol and street drugs have built this brain. It’s been a very expensive and time consuming project) yet I still trudge along. It’s a miracle surviving this illness. But like you I feel I have really hurt a lot of people along the road. I know the pain you speak of. I know the urge to hurt other souls. It’s unbearable yet impossible to stop sometimes. My closet friends and family have learned to enjoy it and laugh along with me as I sit in the corner with that hideous taunting smile. Although sometimes they still don’t understand and I still sometimes go a little too far. I draw monsters and demons and write. I make demonic music on my laptop. They escape that way and it lifts my spirit. Perhaps I’ll taunt the wrong person one day and I’ll be in serious trouble but that’s the risk we live with. It’s safer when your down. But there’s no inspiration there. I’ve been Awol for years. Denying my bipolar. I’m a soilder of misfortune. We need an alliance of warriors to push forward. But is the world ready for this level of challenge I wonder. Anxiety always kicks in too hard at the end and the whole project fails. Then it’s the self destructive streak again. If you have death and pain it’s only in our minds. There are real people out there doing it for real. Perhaps they will live again and suffer an emotional hangover. We’re quite innocent really. It’s our over active imaginations which need taming. Bipolar folk are often very gifted at expressing things others haven’t got the courage to formulate. Although it does bring paranoia and fear. Again this can be used help free others. I’m often too scared to do things but your web site is helping me at the moment. I had a manic episode in April and am currently in a mixed state of depression/highs. Confusing as hell. Asteroid belt territory. Balancing my life just but hey I’m used to it just. Been there done it before. Quetiapine is still uncertain for me. Get very vivid dreams which are hard to interpret. However it helps me sleep. A very dreamy sleep. Sometimes nightmares though. Depacote mood stabilisers too. Makes me feel like a child learning to ride a bike. Got to laugh. This email is random and not really very well constructed. It’s how I feel presently. I’ll get better but this year has been tricky so far. Imagine I’ll look like uncle Saturn soon. I’ll start dressing in black with a hat. I’m going back to staring at the wall now. Everything’s coming at me backwards. Like a stream of consciousness. As though I’m sitting on a train in a seat facing the moving landscape from the wrong angle. That’s what we are. Wrong angels. The normal people can’t see it but we know. Peace on your soul and keep this project going. It’s glows.

    2nd June 2017

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